Bigfoot – Imaginary Friend for LIFE!

 

So I not get much play lately. Try meet ladies in bar but no so good. See a piece of whistle bait and Bigfoot make move, me pretty smoove. Go to jukebox, put on Whitesnake nod along to ‘here I go again on me own’, Check fly, check mouth stink, order two white russians and saunter over. I say: ‘hello, this seat take?” Most time lady just run, scream, sometime pepperspray. Worst is when they do silent scream and vomit trickle down chin like hot fudge on sundae. How a guy supposed recover from that? Onetime girl friendly let Bigfoot sit. I figure things good to go so I mark her with musk so other suitor know “Stay Away, She Bigfoot!” NO GOOD! She allergic to Bigfoot stink and go into anaphalaxis. Now me on to web personals, Bigfoot write clever.

SEX: ALPHA MALE, JR. SILVERBACK
ETHNICITY: BIGFOOT/NATIVE AMERICAN
LOCATION: NEXT TO CRANBERRY BUSH AND STUMP
EDUCATION: DEVRY
LOOKING FOR: HOT SHEFOOT
OCCUPATION: FOREST GENTLEMAN

HEIGHT: 7’1″
WEIGHT: LOTS
EYES: SMALL
HAIR: MATTED, BROWN, GREEN MARIGOLD
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: SAD AND LONELY
WANT CHILDREN: SMALL LITTER

ACTIVITIES: JAZZERSCIZE, T-BALL, DISEMBOWELING, TAXIDERMY, RUNNING FROM CAMERAS, FILTH HOARDING, CHILLIN’, CRYING SELF TO SLEEP

CELEBRITY I MOST RESEMBLE: GOD DAMN CHEWBACCA, MALCOLM JAMAL WARNER, MESELF, COUSIN IT FROM ADDAMS FAMILY

IF YOU COULD BE ANYWHERE RIGHT NOW: DOLLY PARTON’S UTERUS, ON A BEACH IN THAILAND READING SARTRE SO ME CAN BE DIPSHIT STEREOTYPE HIPSTER LIKE EVERYONE ELSE ON HERE. AT SIX FLAGS EATING FIVE CORN DOGS BY FOUR PORT-A-JOHNS AT THREE IN THE AFTERNOON ON SECOND DAY OF JANUARY.

MOST HUMBLING MOMENT: ONETIME I WALKING DOWN RED CARPET AT FOREST CREATURE AWARDS AND I STEP IN DOG DOO. IF THAT NOT BAD ENOUGH SOME REPORTER THINK HE FUNNY AND SAY, “YOU REALLY PUT YOUR BIGFOOT IN IT NOW BIGFOOT!” SO I DO WHAT SEEM LIKE RIGHT THING AT TIME AND TEAR HIM HEAD OFF AND USE TO CLEAN FOOT. THEN I REMEMBER I NOMINATED FOR GOOD CITIZEN AWARD FOR ME GOOD WORK WITH KID WHAT WEAR HOCKEY HELMET ALL TIME. WHAT A PICKLE, WHAT A PICKLE.

WHY YOU SHOULD GET TO KNOW ME: HEY I LIKE EASY GOING GUY, KNOW HOW TO HAVE A GOOD TIME BUT CAN ALSO BE SEXY AS ALL GET OUT. GIVE GOOD BACK RUBS, SOMETIME MIGHT CRACK RIB BUT NOTHING THAT BOTTLE OF CHAMPALE IN BUBBLE BATH NO FIX. I PRETTY CLEAN GUY TOO, FAMILY OF VOLES IN ARMPIT TAKE CARE OF BIGFOOT LICE, EARWIG, SILVERFISH, DUNG BEETLE, NITS, GNATS, EARTHWORM, TAPE WORM, GARTER SNAKE, WASP NESTS, ANT COLONY, TERMITE MOUND, CRABS, SCABS, SCABIES, SHINGLES, FOOT BITS, SHIT BITS, DINGLEBERRIES, PINK EYE, GREEN EYE AND SO ON. I SMELL LIKE COMPOST BUT COMPOST SMELL LIKE FALL AND FALL VERY NICE WITH PRETTY LEAVES AND PUNKIN’ PIE SO YOU JUST VISUALIZE THAT AS YOU DRY HEAVE AND EVERYTHING BE OK.

 

Bigfoot Imaginary Friend for LIFE


Stole My Bicycle Wheel

Dear Sir or Madam who stole my bicycle wheel,
I have a proposal.

For several days after you stole my 26″ rear wheel from my mountain bike, you caused me a dilemma. All I could think of were two options.
1) Buy a new rear wheel – This hardly seemed worthwhile because my bike only cost $25 from Goodwill when I got it and a new back wheel/tire will cost two to three times that much.
2) Buy a used wheel from the Division Flea market – We all know this is where stolen wheels go to find new homes. (In fact, I have searched here for my wheel to no avail.) While this option is cheap ($10), it would feel like I am benefiting from someone else’s misfortune. (Probably because I would be benefiting from someone else’s misfortune).

But then I had a brilliant idea.

Rather than buying a new wheel or a used wheel stolen from someone else, why don’t you sell me back my own wheel. I can pay you the $10 you would have made and then I can save the time and stress of finding a new wheel. If it makes a difference, I could even pay you in alcohol or whatever drug habit you were trying to feed.

We can even meet on the same corner where you took my wheel and make it feel all natural. You can walk by and say, “Hey buddy, I notice that your bike seems to be missing a rear wheel. Well, it just so happens I have an extra rear wheel right here with me. Would you like it?” And I can say, You’re right, kind sir. I am missing a rear wheel. That is very nice of you. It just so happens that I have $10 worth of alcohol, that I was going to use drown my sorrow about not having a bicycle wheel. But now that I have a bicycle wheel, I don’t need it. Why don’t you take it. And then we can both feel good about ourselves.

Please let me know if this works for you.

Sincerely
Josh

 

Stole My Bicycle Wheel


Happy New Year: An Imaginary Overtone

Disclaimer: Modifications have been performed to the dates in this story to protect the innocent. The names of the mythological creatures have been doctored as well.

The day, December 21st, 1989. A chilly morning with hints of pink tickle and a dash of bowl over in the air. A peace train’s horn blowing in the distance for all to hear crossing every interchange. Shades of earth tones fill the windows as organic wallpaper. A hangover quickly dissipates as nodes of fresh air fragrate the current car and seep into the nasal passages. This day shall soon be referred to as the beginning of a New Year.

The next setting being that of a pseudo coffee house effect. A coffee house with a nice half-square couch to which a lounge was required. This was unlike any other caffeine shop that I’d attended. This one had an open roof to which you could see the clouds form patterns and the stars played a story. With the roof open, it soon became a butterfly conservatory. Each butterfly was built in a different pastel color, soft and easy on the eyes. Though each of these creatures were different in color, together they became an individual unit.

Now Folks, there is where it got fancy with mental numbness. The colors, the unit, & the setting soon became a complete element in the formation of a pixie. This literary faerie spoke of different worlds and initiated fireworks. The words she spoke were that of wonder and grace. Every corner of my mind began to wrap around every syllable spoken from the lips of a light pink shade. The intensity of the two halves that formed a whole, in that single moment, created combustion reminiscent of the fireworks plowing into the skies. If only for a moment, seeming like an eternity, the world was at peace while standing still.

And it was so, a new year began. In my mind at least. I wonder why can’t we, as humans, decide for ourselves when “our” New Year may start. Why must we go on some prefabricated plan from Zeus. Who is to say that Aphrodite cannot decide or be an influence in our decision to begin now? What about Ashtart or even Venus? I’m not sure that in the proverbial Monopoly game of life that I’m going to allow Zeus to decide anymore. I’ve created my own New Year and it begins now. You decide when your’s shall transpire.

Morning has broken. A new year has begun. Should your’s commence on your own…
I bid a contented one to you and yours.

PV