Fulfill My Waffle House Fantasy

This Sunday evening at 10pm, I’ll be sitting at the counter of Waffle House on Tunnel Road. I’ll be wearing clothing but underneath I’ll be naked. You’ll know it’s me because I’ll be eating Bert’s BEST bowl of Chili. Please note that Bert’s BEST is a large bowl of chili, smothered, covered, chunked and peppered. This clarification is important, just in case there is someone else at the counter eating a bowl of Bert’s Chili, which is just chili and not as good as Bert’s BEST.

After you identify me by my chili and also perhaps by my concealed nakedness, you’ll take the stool beside me. At first I won’t be sure it’s you and the anticipation will be a real thrill for me. When the waitress greets you… I’m not sexist it’s just statisticaly probable that your server will be a female because male Waffle House servers are very rare. Anyway, when your waitress greets you, you won’t need to review a menu because I’m about to tell you what to order and you’ll have it memorized. It may be a good idea to write this down on a small piece of paper and memorize while you’re driving to the Tunnel Road Waffle House. Ready? Good. You’ll tell the waitress you’ll have Hashbrowns, covered, diced, peppered and topped. Curiously enough, topped means topped with Burt’s Chili. The other code words stand for melted cheese, grilled tomatoes, and spicy jalapeno peppers, respectively. I mention this because often times people don’t care for spicy foods, in which case you can substitute capped for peppered. Capped is the code word for grilled button mushrooms. Either way, I’ll still know it’s you. Yet just to be sure, in addition to the Hashbrowns, order a city ham biscuit from the DOLLAR$ MENU. Of course it’s possible that you may not like City Ham. The name itself can conjur unpleasant connotations if you think too long about it. This isn’t important though because you don’t have to eat it. It’s just something off the DOLLAR$ MENU that you’ll order it so I can be sure you’re you and not just someone else that happens to be ordering Hashbrowns, covered, diced, peppered and topped.

After you order and only after the waitress has walked away, I’ll ask you if you’d like a spoonful of my Bert’s BEST Bowl of Chili. Don’t respond verbally, just looked me in the eyes, squint slightly in a seductive manner and then open your mouth, stick out your tongue and get ready for a spoonful of Bert’s BEST. Taste the chili, the sautéed onions, melted cheese, grilled hickory smoked ham and spicy jalepeno peppers. It doesn’t matter if you like the spicy peppers or not. You’re going to eat them and they’re going to be HOT! So hot your salivation may carry a little piece of grilled hickory smoked ham from the corner of your mouth down the precipice of your chin. Don’t wipe it off, let it drip.

When my body stops covulsing and my emotions return from sheer ecstacy, I’ll put a $20 bill on the counter. Then I’ll get up slowly and walk out the door. Never to see you again.
If this sounds like the kind of thing you’re looking for, email me to set up a time to meet. I know I said I’d be there tonight at 10 pm but if more then one woman shows up it would cause confusion. Also I’d like to make sure you’re not a weirdo before we meet.


Staycation

I am writing this to inform everyone that next week, I will be taking off of work. Yep, that’s right, the whole god damn week. Ask me if I’m going anywhere. Nope, sure the hell not. It’s a Staycation. What I’m going to do is take this time off to catch up on the following personal items:

• Returning emails
• Returning Facebook Messages
• Returning Text Messages
• Returning Phone Calls
• Giving out hugs
• Tossing out compliments
• Various other Humanitarian induced deeds
• Doing unto others

Apparently, I must catch up on these things that are not business related. Never mind the fact that business pays the bills. Personal avoids anyone getting feelings hurt or feeling “put off.” This being said…

If you or someone you love has been the victim of me not getting back to you, DO NOT call Jim “The Tough Smart Lawyer” Adler, just wait until next week and I will “hammer, hammer, & hammer” it all out, then send you flowers.

Thanks,
Snowed Under

Disclaimer: This note took only a second to create as I copy & pasted. I originally wrote it while I was multitasking by being on the pot, pinching a loaf, cutting the cheese, and urinating, & finally creating a note for “use guyses” all in an attempt to save time and catch up on my life.


Bloody Mother Fucking Asshole by Martha Wainwright

I ran across this song at the end of episode one season three of Orange is the New Black. This is one of my most favorite shows with one of my most favorite words in it, so I had to share it, right? Check it out with the lyrics here and turn it on in your Spotify playlist. I’ve already added it to mine. Duh.

 

Poetry is no place for a heart that’s a whore
And I’m young & I’m strong
But I feel old & tired
Overfired

And I’ve been poked & stoked
It’s all smoke, there’s no more fire
Only desire
For you, whoever you are
For you, whoever you are

You say my time here has been some sort of joke
That I’ve been messing around
Some sort of incubating period
For when I really come around
I’m cracking up
And you have no idea

No idea how it feels to be on your own
In your own home
with the fucking phone
And the mother of gloom
In your bedroom
Standing over your head
With her hand in your head
With her hand in your head

I will not pretend
I will not put on a smile
I will not say I’m all right for you
When all I wanted was to be good
To do everything in truth
To do everything in truth

Oh I wish I wish I wish I was born a man
So I could learn how to stand up for myself
Like those guys with guitars
I’ve been watching in bars
Who’ve been stamping their feet to a different beat
To a different beat
To a different beat

I will not pretend
I will not put on a smile
I will not say I’m all right for you
When all I wanted was to be good
To do everything in truth
To do everything in truth

You bloody mother fucking asshole
Oh you bloody mother fucking asshole
Oh you bloody mother fucking asshole
Oh you bloody mother fucking asshole
Oh you bloody mother fucking asshole
Oh you bloody…

I will not pretend
I will not put on a smile
I will not say I’m all right for you
For you, whoever you are
For you, whoever you are
For you, whoever you are


Real Men Wear Pink

I’ve always been in touch with my feminine side. Well, as far as I can remember. I mean I don’t think I’ve been overly feminine like with an extra chromosome or something. I just think I’ve been able to associate better with women. I get them. Well that’s a pretty fucking bold thing for me to say, right? I didn’t say that I knew the female organization like the back of my hand. I just said I get them more then I get a lot of the males I run across. I’ve been called gay plenty of times in my life that it doesn’t phase me at all. I don’t consider it a bad thing to be called, yet a lot of men do. I just like getting my nails done and looking pretty. Is that so bad? I remember getting women ask me how I get my hair to do whatever it was that it was doing that day. That was quite the compliment for me, I felt. At the same time, I had dudes poking fun at the “feminine” color of my shirt. That was back before pink was made in everything for men. I also like purple. In fact, I think I look better in purple. My mother will tell you I look the best in green. It makes my eyes pop. I thought it was the cash I had my eye on, but apparently it’s simply the color of shirt I had on for Mother’s Day.

With that little blurb being said, it makes sense that I would own (purchase) a company that was primarily pink, Polka Dot Design. I was the IT Manager for Polka Dot Design for a few years and the opportunity came up for me to purchase it. I took that leap and the net will appear, right? Kidding, I’m working on rebuilding the legacy that Julia & Aaron Brickman began. This was once a prominent cutting edge company and I intend on bringing it back. I’ve got to. I’ve got a mouth to feed. Take a look at the website. There is pink all over the place and I can dig that, like a garden. My current project is rebuilding the site to conform to Google’s rules for SEO and security. It’s tough to always be one step behind Google and ready to make an SEO or some sort of structural change when Google tells you to. To stay on top of the game, you’ve got to have a friend at Google (maybe Vince Vaughn is taking calls today) or buy into the mass amount of snake oil that any one of the “reputable” search engine optimization companies are trying to sell. Part of my job as an IT Manager has always been to sift through the bullshit the world is trying to sell you. You need a new phone system. That will increase your says they will tell you. You need a new T1 line and that will really bring the customers to you. Everyone is trying to sell something and I’ve got to act like I’m panning for gold and weed all of them out. Really though, I’m no different. I will try to sell you something too. What I’m trying to sell you though, is a ticket to happiness. That sounds like a line, doesn’t it? You buy some party invitations and you will be happy. I can tell you that much. Who is not happy at a party? Bring them to me and I will turn that frown upside down. How about a christian hug, Mrs. Sadface or a good ol’ game of grabass Mr. Down Dogger. See what I’m saying? So get those party invitations now and you’ll be glad you did. Feel free to invite me to said party. I’m booking up fast, so hurry up with the invites.

When I decided to rebuild the site, I employed a company that specializes in WordPress hosting, WP Engine. They even have a 40% off coupon code for WP Engine when you use: SSL40OFF. Hashtag you’re welcome. Anywho, the guys at WP Engine really know their stuff. The beauty is that all they do is hosting for WordPress, so that’s what they know. When you specialize in one thing, you can be really bad ass at that one thing. The guys at WPEngine are WordPress geniuses. So, Search Engine Optimization (SEO) is not as easy as it sounds, but it is achievable in the internet world. I ask myself often, “Can you really be fully optimized” in Google’s world? Odds are that Google will continue to evolve, so I will have to continue to evolve. Sitting still is not an option. Yoast makes an SEO plugin that helps out with a little do-it-yourself search engine optimization. Some may call it DIYSEO. We can all call it that if Google will let us, Actually though, all we need to do is start saying something a lot and Google will start saying it too. If you really think about it, we are the one’s that are programming Google with new terminology and trends. From hashtags to at-sign shoutouts, we actually giving content to Google. Google is all about solid content and user experience. It makes sense that someone is in charge of that. Otherwise, the world wide web (the white version) would be a goddamned mess and you wouldn’t be able to find anything without getting hacked a dozen times in the process.

SEO is quite the process. You’ve really got to be married to providing good content. A lot of businesses have to have an entire department committed to search engine optimization. Others outsource their SEO to expensive SEO companies. Should you choose to take the latter route, be careful who you employ. There’s a lot of SEO companies selling snake oil out there, so make sure to do your research before handing over the cash.

I’ve been writing content and optimizing sites for quite some time now. It’s a long and tedious process, for sure. If you want the traffic which leads to the money that leads to the freedom that you want, this is what you’ll do. Every one of the words that I write is searchable. Sure, there are so called “stop words” in content marketing and search engine optimization, but they’re words that we all have to use anyway. Stop words refer to the most common words used in any given language. There is not a real universal list to go off of though I’m sure you can find plenty of lists on the internets. A few examples of stop words would be a, and, the, be, at, then, there, were and plenty of other tiny filler words. If I were you, I would try to be less verbose while getting your point across with more important and less used words.