Dear Sir or Madam who stole my bicycle wheel,
I have a proposal.
For several days after you stole my 26″ rear wheel from my mountain bike, you caused me a dilemma. All I could think of were two options.
1) Buy a new rear wheel – This hardly seemed worthwhile because my bike only cost $25 from Goodwill when I got it and a new back wheel/tire will cost two to three times that much.
2) Buy a used wheel from the Division Flea market – We all know this is where stolen wheels go to find new homes. (In fact, I have searched here for my wheel to no avail.) While this option is cheap ($10), it would feel like I am benefiting from someone else’s misfortune. (Probably because I would be benefiting from someone else’s misfortune).
But then I had a brilliant idea.
Rather than buying a new wheel or a used wheel stolen from someone else, why don’t you sell me back my own wheel. I can pay you the $10 you would have made and then I can save the time and stress of finding a new wheel. If it makes a difference, I could even pay you in alcohol or whatever drug habit you were trying to feed.
We can even meet on the same corner where you took my wheel and make it feel all natural. You can walk by and say, “Hey buddy, I notice that your bike seems to be missing a rear wheel. Well, it just so happens I have an extra rear wheel right here with me. Would you like it?” And I can say, You’re right, kind sir. I am missing a rear wheel. That is very nice of you. It just so happens that I have $10 worth of alcohol, that I was going to use drown my sorrow about not having a bicycle wheel. But now that I have a bicycle wheel, I don’t need it. Why don’t you take it. And then we can both feel good about ourselves.
Please let me know if this works for you.